In color theory, it is said that the color red appears most intense to us Central Europeans; red objects seem closer, louder, and more important. Back then, when I moved from fourth grade to fifth grade, new school, new people, everything was so unknown, so big, so frightening. I looked around and all I could see was a gray wall in front of all the new impressions. And she. She stood there, among the others. She was shining. She caught my eye. She was my red.
I was instantly in love. But young and shy and doubtful, I never had the courage to talk to her or interact with her in any other way. It’s no exaggeration to say I was afraid of her. Her beauty, her tough attitude, and her boots made me freeze. I dreamed about her, secretly watched her, and idealized her. She was the perfect girl who grew into my ideal woman over the next five years. Then we parted ways, but I never forgot her. She always remained in my thoughts, every woman had to measure up to her, none could hold a candle to her.
Until today she has always been my red.
Over the past few years, we’ve had brief, sporadic contact from time to time. Happy birthday, a bit of small talk here, a brief exchange about shared traumatic experiences there. But then, one beautiful day this summer, she was suddenly there and never left. I found myself in a dark place, in a deep hole due to the impending inevitability, complete exhaustion during my major project this year, and my demons. She got me out of it. Relentlessly, with her charisma, but also with her wonderful way of simply addressing very painful things, not letting go and diving into the depths.
I have problems trusting other people. With her, however, there was an immediate familiarity that I had never experienced before, that I didn’t even know I could feel. Like so many other impressions, emotions, and feelings towards her.
Since that day, she has always been there when I needed her, physically or at least by phone. No one has ever done for me what she has done for me so far. She became my best friend, and so much more. She is the most beautiful person on this earth, inside and out. I still idealize her and throw around superlatives without any end. But this time not out of infatuation, but because I was allowed to get to know her because I see her. I am allowed to participate in her life and am impressed by her every day again, almost blown away.
Again and again, I need to be alone, I need distance, peace, and quiet. I retreat to recharge my batteries. It’s different with her. She gives me strength, she is the first person I never want or need to escape from. I have never felt so comfortable in the presence of another person.
We did so much together and experienced so much, this summer was simply the best summer of my life. I feel young, strong, wanted, and loved, I’m full of energy and life like I’ve never known before. No one has ever given me as much attention, appreciation, understanding, loyalty, affection, and love as she has. I didn’t even know what that felt like.
As it turned out, we are the same. We think alike, act alike, share the same views on almost everything, have the same sense of humor. So many things indicate that we are made for each other. I never believed in fate, but my experiences with her have taught me otherwise.
It also turned out that I had never been forgotten in her thoughts either and could even have had contact with her at school. Later on, there would even have been opportunities for us to find each other. All things that are part of the endless list of missed opportunities and wrong decisions. I regret that very much, it hurts me.
I cannot change the past, I am positive about the future and will do everything I can to ensure that the destiny I firmly believe in will come true. I hope for a life together with this most impressive and wonderful woman I know. That is my greatest wish. Whether it will come true is written in the stars, but whatever happens, I will enjoy this most beautiful time of my life as hard as I can!
Why am I writing this?
We spend our whole lives learning, making decisions and mistakes. We only have this one life. Mine could either be the greatest love story of all time, or the saddest drama the world has ever seen. Learn from my mistakes. Be brave, be open, take a risk. There’s nothing worse than missed opportunities. If you dare to do something, you may meet with rejection, that hurts. But you can also win.
If you never take a chance, you will never win. You will always be tortured by the question, “What if…?”. That’s a waste, be worth more to yourself. I wish you, dear reader, that you are happy!
My red, I love you!