It is said that time heals all wounds, even in Tobias’ favorite song “Nur die Besten sterben jung” (Only the best die young – What irony!) there is a corresponding line. The only problem is: It is a lie! Surely one can deal with losses over time if they are not as unnatural as in accidents or in my case in murder. If the person who leaves is way too young to be able to say that he or she had a beautiful, fulfilled life. No, no time in the world heals that!

The world keeps turning…

… And doesn’t give a damn about me and my feelings. I have to get along, have to operate. I have responsibilities, I can’t drown myself in self-pity and just let go, no matter how much I would like to do that now and then. No, the only way for me is to put my loss and all my feelings in a box and push them far away. Displacement.

But as it is usual with displacements, every now and then all that is suppressed comes back with full intensity and hits me in the face with a heavy fist. At Christmas time, on his birthday, and of course on the day he died. This year on March 30th I could not help but make a few calculations. So today is the day that unavoidably had to come.

Mathematics

I was born on 12/26/1983, today I am exactly 12,548 days in this world. I was allowed to have my brother Tobias in my life from 01/25/1988 to 03/30/2005, which is 6,274 days. That means, today I am exactly as long without Tobias as I was with him. Today of all days. A painful realization. This also means that from today on, every coming day, every week, every month, every year is one more without him than with him.

The 4th of May

Every year on May 4th Star Wars fans all over the world celebrate their “Star Wars Day”. “May the fourth” sounds exactly like the Jedi greeting “May the force (be with you)”. For years I’ve enjoyed celebrating this day without knowing what it would mean to me. From now on I can count the years on that day that he is missing longer than he was here.
From now on the fun on the 4th of May is over.

Tobias Hockenberger
One of the last photos of my brother

Tobias, you’re missing!

It has been 13 years now. It does not get better.
I take today as an opportunity to try to let you go.

Knowing myself, I don’t have high hopes that I can do that, but who knows.

So dear brother, May the force…

#Tobias #MayTheFourth #Erinnerung